Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Ups and Downs and Everything in Between

I think we all have those days where things get the best of us...and right now I'm a little bit in that mode.

I've been a bit more emotional than usual (for those of you that know me...I'm already emotional!) and I think it's just because I feel bad and frustrated at the same time (I'm already getting misty as I write this!).

I was sitting watching Colin the past few days during therapy and I just feel bad for him that he has to work harder than other children just to accomplish skills that come so naturally for others. I feel bad that I get frustrated that he isn't quite where he should be at, and I get frustrated that he's been complaining more because sometimes he just doesn't want to do it. I get upset when I see other kids at school Colin's age doing so much more than he can do. I get upset and frustrated when I read about the potential health problems that he may face in the future, especially the big L word. I got upset when I had to hold Colin from fighting to get his blood drawn so his thyroid function can be checked, and got even angrier and more upset when she missed the vein and was just swimming around in his arm trying to find it. I get angry inside when an audiologist is trying to shove inserts into Colin's ear (for the 2nd and 3rd times) when they just. don't. fit.

And yes, I will admit it. Sometimes I do get upset when I think about how things aren't exactly as I planned (only a VERY temporary thing that sometimes crosses my mind).

Now despite my misty eyes I will tell you that this is a temporary period and I'm not like this all of the time. I think being upset, and frustrated, and angry are all normal parts of life and are hard when they hit you.

But I will also tell you that I love Colin with all of my heart and I don't know what I do without him. I will continue to be his advocate, I will continue to fight for him and protect him as much as I can. I will take him to every single appointment he needs to go to. I will hold his hand when we need to get his blood drawn and stick things in his ears. I will hug him when he is upset and frustrated. I will kiss him and make sure he knows how much I love him, especially when he is frustrated. I will cheer every. single. time. he accomplishes a skill that took longer and was more difficult for him than it is for other children. I will clap and say "yay colin!" and truly mean it and I will be so proud of Colin for fighting a little bit more than he should have to.
...and I will always love him.

How can you not love this face? (Thanks Chris for sending it to me at work just when I needed it!)


Adrienne said...

Oh Kelli, you know you're not alone in these feelings. We (meaning those of us that have kids with T21) all have days like this. Just as I was feeding Bennett tonight I looked at him and still could not believe he has Down syndrome. Like, it's still hard for me to believe it happened to one of our children. And I get sad from time to time and when I see other kids his age doing other things I sometimes think they are advanced for their age because Bennett is not even close to that and it just doesn't seem possible that he could be that far behind in certain things.

But it is what it is and so we just have to embrace it and I know you do and always will but I think it's okay to get down from time to time, it doesn't mean you love him any less it just means you're human. It's good to express your anger and sadness sometimes and to let others know your frustrations.

Nana said...

My sweet Kelli and Chris! I'm sure you have those days, and it is definitely understandable, and unless we've walked in your shoes we don't know how it feels. As a mom I've seen disappointment on my children's faces with varying situations, and yes it hurts, but no I've never had to start right from the beginning. Colin is my cookie and he will accomplish things in his own time. He's a very lucky little boy that has more love than any child I've ever known. Keep the faith and all will go well!! You've done a great job so far and we're all here to hold your hand when you need it! You're a GREAT family!! Love to all! Mom/Nana P.S. What a cutie!! Makes me smile!!!

Lori said...

Kelli -
You are so not alone with those feelings. I have had my share of those days. In fact, just today, I broke down as I was picking up Paige from school because someone commented to me about having three kids who will attend this particular pre-school. It caught me off guard and I just didn't know what to say and started crying. It do most PT therapy sessions when Anna protest cries pretty much the entire hour.
But-- the good FAR outweigh the bad - as you already know. Our children may not the win the proverbial races here on Earth, "But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first." (Matthew 19:30)
Hang in there!

Jorie said...

Colin is SOOOO incredibly lucky to have a Mommy and Daddy like you two! He WILL know unconditional love!

Grandad said...

Kelli & Chris, I wanted to say many things regarding what you're both feeling, but I can't as I am not in your shoes, and don't know what you are feeling. I can imagine what you're feeling, as a parent, since Nana and I can remember all those days with you and your siblings. I am your father,and you being my daughter, I want to do what I have always done ever since you were my beautiful little baby girl, that is to tell you it will all work out and how much I love you. Remember, when God shuts a door, He does open a window. Colin is Gods masterpiece and he will make his mark on this world!!!

Michelle Chou Huang said...

Thank you for a honest post. I don't feel alone in my sadness, frustration, fear, and love for my child. She has a genetic disorder and her prognosis is similar to that of a DS child. I am so sad, but thank you for letting me know that I am not alone in my feelings and that I can still rejoice in the Lord.