Looking into those Eyes

Last night while I was rocking my little boy to bed, and with all of the blog reading I've been doing, I was brought back to a place almost exactly 17 months ago. One thing I have enjoyed doing since following all of your blogs, is reading your stories, particicularly, your birth stories that brought you to where you are now.

They are all different and unique from one another, but yet, as I read as our children get older, they have all led us to a very similar place...one of unconditional love for our very special children.

Chris and I did not know of Colin's diagnosis prior to birth. All we can remember about the craziness surrounding his birth is the pediatrician telling us they were testing Colin for Down Syndrome. I don't remember the announcement of his gender (since that was a surprise too) and I don't really remember the moments of him being weighed and measured, but I do remember what I felt like when I was told he was being tested. We sat there stunned and I know I had a smile on my face, but I'm not exactly sure what kind of smile that was. His diagnosis was confirmed exactly a week later.

Until that moment was confirmed, I think we lived in a state of denial. I knew once I saw those beautiful eyes, that Colin did have DS, but I was trying to come up with reasons why I didn't think he did. I remember sending my mom and sister text messages after they left the hospital wanting to know what they thought about his eyes, and I remember thinking that maybe it was just because they were swollen from the birth.

I would sit and hold him and stare into his BEAUTIFUL face, and know deep down, but in those moments, it didn't matter because I thought he was beautiful.

We went through the range of motions from grief, to pain, to "why me", to what are we going to do, to sadness and beyond, but I couldn't imagine not having my little baby. He wasn't put down very much in the beginning because we just loved him so much.

So as I rocked Colin to sleep last night, and stared into his beautiful face, I couldn't help but feel choked up. I can't believe how far we have come in 17 months, and how much our life has changed for the better since then. Colin just watched me as i watched him, and I just couldn't imagine being in any other place.

Maybe Down Syndrome was something I never expected in my family, but without it, we wouldn't be who we are today...

We Love you Colin! xoxoxoxo