Sunday, October 3, 2010

Looking into those Eyes

Last night while I was rocking my little boy to bed, and with all of the blog reading I've been doing, I was brought back to a place almost exactly 17 months ago. One thing I have enjoyed doing since following all of your blogs, is reading your stories, particicularly, your birth stories that brought you to where you are now.

They are all different and unique from one another, but yet, as I read as our children get older, they have all led us to a very similar of unconditional love for our very special children.

Chris and I did not know of Colin's diagnosis prior to birth. All we can remember about the craziness surrounding his birth is the pediatrician telling us they were testing Colin for Down Syndrome. I don't remember the announcement of his gender (since that was a surprise too) and I don't really remember the moments of him being weighed and measured, but I do remember what I felt like when I was told he was being tested. We sat there stunned and I know I had a smile on my face, but I'm not exactly sure what kind of smile that was. His diagnosis was confirmed exactly a week later.
Until that moment was confirmed, I think we lived in a state of denial. I knew once I saw those beautiful eyes, that Colin did have DS, but I was trying to come up with reasons why I didn't think he did. I remember sending my mom and sister text messages after they left the hospital wanting to know what they thought about his eyes, and I remember thinking that maybe it was just because they were swollen from the birth.

I would sit and hold him and stare into his BEAUTIFUL face, and know deep down, but in those moments, it didn't matter because I thought he was beautiful.

We went through the range of motions from grief, to pain, to "why me", to what are we going to do, to sadness and beyond, but I couldn't imagine not having my little baby. He wasn't put down very much in the beginning because we just loved him so much.
So as I rocked Colin to sleep last night, and stared into his beautiful face, I couldn't help but feel choked up. I can't believe how far we have come in 17 months, and how much our life has changed for the better since then. Colin just watched me as i watched him, and I just couldn't imagine being in any other place.

Maybe Down Syndrome was something I never expected in my family, but without it, we wouldn't be who we are today...

We Love you Colin! xoxoxoxo


Wren said...

Kelli, this brought tears to my eyes! Isn't the love of our children (Ds or not) an amazing feeling!!! Colin was a beautiful baby and is growing into such a handsome little man.

Rochelle said...

Beautiful post Kelli.

Derek, Kenzee and Gage said...

The picture with his little grin as a baby is SO cute! So are the others, what a sweet little boy, and I loved reading about his birth story!

Nana said...

I agree 100%! How different we all are since the birth of our beautiful Colin!! He has taught us all so much about unconditional love, patience, and how many wonderful people are out there! God has truly blessed us!! Love, Nana

Natalia said...

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes, a smile on my face, and SO MUCH LOVE for you, Chris, and Colin.

It's amazing how fast the time has flown, especially looking at these pictures. That adorable picture you sent with Colin's birth announcement feels like just yesterday. And looking at his picture day shot (which I want to reiterate one more time...I LOVE it!), it's amazing to see how he's grown. He really isn't "just a baby" anymore...he's getting to be a "big boy" now. :) Better yet, he's about to be a big brother!

He IS so beautiful, Kel...inside and out...just like you!

I love you. You are amazing :)

Alaina & Kyle said...

Agree!! I feel the exact same way. What a blessing, huh??

Jenny said...

Ok, that picture of Colin sleeping with a little smile on his face...sweetest picture EVER!
This post had me in tears as well...I love reading other Mothers stories too, hearing how they felt when they found out...even though all our stories are a little bit different from each other, we can all relate to that initial feeling when we first heard the words "Down syndrome"
I am so proud to belong to this group of Mothers in the Ds community, it really is amazing. We are so blessed!

Cheri said...

OH MY GOODNESS....I have fallen in love with your little guy!!!!

Grandad said...

Well Kelli, you did it again. I am sitting here at the end of my workday, looking at and reading over and over your beautiful story, as I am teary eyed and wondering what my fellow workers think when they pass by. I remember like it happened yesterday, and always will, and I, like you, didn't realize that our lives changed for the better that day. I love my little boy, and must admit though,that I also went through many different thoughts and feelings when he was born. I too did not know what to think, but all I know is that he is a blessing, God's little gift to us, and he is my hero and inspiration. I love you all.

Leslie said...

Beautiful! Thanks for sharing.