Wednesday, April 14, 2010

How Sweet it is...

On my rip-off calendar today there was a quote that said something along the lines of "You can't touch love, but you feel the sweetness of it all around you". It's been on my mind all day long and as I was thinking about it with the start of this post, the James Taylor song also popped into my head "how sweet it is to be loved by you".

Colin will be a 1 year old on Tuesday and thinking about it has brought up so many feelings of his birth. I can not believe how far Chris and I have come in 1 year! I can look back and see Chris and I sitting on the love seat in our living room while Colin slept in his bouncy seat sobbing uncontrollably at the confirmed diagnosis of Down Syndrome. I knew that the test results would come back positive, but I needed to hear the words in order for it to become real. All I could think about was the future and how we would ever be able to handle raising a child who needed so much more.

I get teary eyed looking back at us sitting there because I do feel really bad for us then. The future was so scary and unknown and we didn't even know where to start! After I called my parents that day, they got in the car and drove down and sat there with us. All I kept asking was "what do we do from here?"

It's crazy to even admit this now because I feel so badly about it, but I think it was part of the journey I needed to go through in order to be where I am now. Now I get teary eyed because I couldn't imagine what my life would be like without Colin and his extra chromosome! Chris and I are better people because of Colin.

I read posts from all of you about your wonderful children and I would never have been able to be part of such a wonderful group of families if Colin was never a part of my life. I have never even met any of you and yet I talk about you to my friends and family as if we are old friends. I can't wait until I can check my blogroll and read about what you have been up to and the many things your kids are accomplishing. I may not be able to touch that love, but I feel the sweetness of it all around me.

Yes, the day Colin was born and for a little while afterwards I was really sad. I thought Colin's diagnosis was something bad, but I just couldn't see the possiblities yet. I just hadn't met any of you and your kids yet, I hadn't met all of the great people at the Special Olympics, and Colin hadn't showed me yet how sweet his kind of love really was. It's really all just beginning. Colin's 1st birthday marks a year of growing and changing and learning. It's a day to look back and really see how far we have all come as a family. How sweet it truly is!

How sweet it is to be loved by you
How sweet it is to be loved by you
I needed the shelter of someone's arms and there you were
I needed someone to understand my ups and downs and there you were
With sweet love and devotion
Deeply touching my emotion
I want to stop and thank you baby
I just want to stop and thank you baby
How sweet it is to be loved by you
How sweet it is to be loved by you
I close my eyes at night
Wondering where would I be without you in my life
Everything I did was just a bore
Everywhere I went it seems I'd been there before
But you brighten up for me all of my days
With a love so sweet in so many ways
I want to stop and thank you baby
I just want to stop and thank you baby
How sweet it is to be loved by you
How sweet it is to be loved by you
You were better for me than I was for myself
For me, there's you and there ain't nobody else
I want to stop and thank you baby
I just want to stop and thank you baby
How sweet it is to be loved by you
How sweet it is to be loved by you


Rochelle said...

So glad to be on this journey with you. Hindsight is always 20/20 but, isn't it awesome to look back and see how far you have come.

Adrienne said...

Aww! We love Colin and we haven't even met him:) Still can't believe our little guys are going to be 1!! Looking forward to seeing all the fun things Colin does this coming year!

Derek, Kenzee and Gage said...

Such a sweet post! I know what you mean, I sometimes feel bad when I look back and remember how scared and sad and nervous I was in the beginning. But really, we didn't know what we know now.
How fun that Colin is going to be 1 so soon!! I'm so happy to have "met" you and your family!

Natalia said...

Absolutely beautiful. I love you! xoxo

Nana said...

Hi Kelli, Chris, and Colin! This was your most beautiful post to date! I like you remember the night of the confirmed diagnosis of down syndrome, as your parent it was very difficult to watch the two of you in pain. Grandad and I knew Colin would be great, we just worried how you would react. Well we should never have worried because you two are the BEST Mom and Dad! Our prayers were answered, Colin is healthy and he is so loved by his Mom and Dad and boy can you see and hear how much he loves the two of you!! We have enjoyed this new journey and we also feel it has affected our life for the better and also made us better people! I love you all!! Love, Mom/Nana

Kelly said...

Kelli, this is such a wonderful post! You nailed it, I too believe, that all of these emotions are definitely part of this journey. Reflecting back on the "us then" and the "us now" shows just how much we have grown. And we've grown because of our little ones:) They are such good teachers, aren't they??!!

We are so happy to experience this journey with you. We just love Colin to pieces!! I am still hoping that our little boys get to meet soon!!

Aunt Kimmy said...

This post was so wonderful to read. Very beautiful. I could not imagine colin not in our lives. He has truly made a difference in all of our lives and he is so lucky to have you two as parents. I can not believe it has been a year already but let me tell you it has been the best year! I can not wait to see what the future holds for colin! I love all 3 of you so much!

Love Aunt Kimmy

Lacey said...

I love to hear peoples stories about how they felt after they got the diagnosis! The honesty about being devastated. It is a whirlwind of emotions when you look back!

ch said...

Hugs to celebrate such a sweet year and celebratory post!

You forgive yourself IMMEDIATELY for feeling badly about those early days. There's a BIG difference between not wanting your kid and not wanting things to be difficult for your kid.

It's so obvious to all of Colin's (MANY) fans that there has never been a moment that this little boy wasn't cherished and adored for exactly the wonder that he is. Thank you so much for allowing us front row seats for his future adventures. Most of all, thanks for the challenge you set for us all to celebrate our own little ones with the same unabashed adoration and delight...

Happy First Year to all of you!!! xoxox

amy jupin said...

awww, you're gonna make me cry! so much of what you say resonates so loudly. but you already knew that! can't wait to see the birthday pics...

Aunt Maureen said...

Kelli, I was just going back through your earliest posts on this site, thinking how much has happened in the last year, and how much you, Chris and Colin have changed and grown as a family. This is such a beautiful testament to your love for Colin, who's such an amazing, sweet, wonderful little boy! And he's so lucky to have such great parents. Can't wait to celebrate his first birthday with all of you!

Cathy said...

Such a beautiful, beautiful post. I think many of us wish we could go back and do it all over again. I think your reaction is 100% normal. It doesn't diminish the love you have for Colin. It's about not understanding the road you are about to travel on...not your child. And now that you're farther down that road, well, you have perspective! It's such a beautiful road, isn't it!?!

That being said...happy, happy birthday Colin!!!

And I know what you mean...I talk about my bloggy friends all the time. Sometimes I wonder if people think I have "imaginary friends"

Scott Berge said...

Kelli- Have been following your blogs daily, feel like I have missed something if I forget to read them for a couple of days, yet have never posted a comment... until now. Today was without a doubt, your best. It exemplifies who you are, who you have always been, and most importantly why you and Chris are such wonderful parents. God bless you all.
Happy Birthday Colin

Grandad said...

Kelli, Words cannot describe how proud I am of you, Chris and my beautiful grandson Colin. It has been quite a journey for you guys so far in this past year, and I have been so blessed to be able to share it all with you. My life changed on April 20th, 2009, when Colin became a part of us, and I thank God for bringing him into our family. I'll never forgot your call to me when you got the news, but didn't realize at the time that our lives changed for the better at that moment. Colin has changed so many people's lives already, and he will make his mark on this world. I remember one of your first entries on your blog, the one by Emily Kingsley, and I am so glad I got to go to Holland with you. Holland is the most beautiful place I have ever been. All my love to you, your Dad/Grandad.